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Don’t Keep Score

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I’m an athlete and I love to keep score. I wear a GPS watch on all my runs so I can record my distance, time, and pace to see if I’m getting better. When I coached, I tried to make as much of practice a competition as possible so that my players would work hard for the experience of ‘winning.’ As a sales professional, I work with a weekly ‘scoreboard’ that our company calls a dashboard and shows how much each person has sold in relation to one another and towards our personal goals. I love to keep score because I love to win.

Recently, however, I’ve realized that there are certain areas of my life where I shouldn’t be keeping score. I was using a scoreboard in every part of my life and it was putting strain on relationships. Yesterday, I was perusing a craft shop in Asheville, NC and came across a piece of art that had “The Golden Rule” in 12 different religious backgrounds. In my faith background, Jesus told his followers: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6:30). What is sometimes overlooked are the verses leading up to this powerful statement that include instructions such as “bless those who curse you…if someone strikes you on the cheek, turn to him the other also…give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.” It sounds to me like Jesus is saying: “Don’t Keep Score.”

There are 4 areas in particular that I am trying to stop using a scoreboard.

My marriage – When you keep a marriage scoreboard, both teams lose. Whether it is keeping track of how many times you’ve done the dishes or laundry and using that to guilt him in to washing the dishes for once or reminding her how many ‘girls nights out’ or ‘fun weekends with her friends’ she’s had so that you can justify spending an entire Saturday at the golf course; keeping score in marriage is dangerous. Your marriage scoreboard starts to lead to keeping records of hurts as well and hurting back to even the score, and it leads to arrogance about how good a parent you are because of all of the time you’ve spent with your kids and disgust with your partner for how absent they are with the family. Fortunately for me, my wife allowed me to invoke the ‘mercy rule’ a couple of years ago because I was getting slaughtered so bad I could never catch up. Ever since, I’ve just tried to remind myself of this Shinto teaching: “The heart of the person before you is a mirror. See there your own form.“

My kids – If my parents had kept score of all of the stuff they’ve done for me, all I’d do the rest of my life is try to repay them. I have decided the only way I can repay them is to do all I can to give as much love, caring, discipline, and direction to my kids as they gave me. Our children take so much of our time, there is no way they can ever give enough back to us to make things even, so instead I choose to keep in mind the words (slightly altered) of the philosopher Seneca: “Treat your inferiors (children) as you would be treated by your superiors (parents).“

My colleagues – For a long time, I kept a mental record of every good deed and favor I did for a colleague with an expectation that it would be paid back in some way. What I realized is that is a pretty miserable way to go through my work life. There are people that we work with that are not in a position to ever really help us – we should help them anyway. There are people who we work with who always need something from us and never offer any assistance our way – we should help them anyway. There are people who we work with who take advantage of our drive to succeed and take credit for our work – we should help them anyway. A good reminder in the workplace comes from Jainism: “In happiness and suffering, in joy and grief, we should regard all creatures as we regard our own self.“

My friends – Friendships are hard enough without a scoreboard. If I ended every friendship that had a scar from a pain inflicted by that friend, I’d be a pretty lonely guy. If my friends only called me when I first called them, we’d never talk. Friendships will result in pain because friends can say things to one another that no one else can say to them and sometimes that hurts. Friends go through life together no matter what the other person’s life season is doing at the time; that means that sometimes one friend can’t pay for the boat rental because things are tight, but friends share experiences together anyway. Sometimes that means a whole weekend is spent discussing one friend’s personal or marital struggles and it monopolizes the conversation, but friends share grief and pain together anyway. Sometimes that means a friend has to say something to another friend that makes them mad, but friends hold each other accountable anyway. I think Islam gets this one right when it says: “None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.”

I’m still a competitor, probably always will be – so I need scoreboard. I’ll keep checking the sales scoreboard to keep me working hard, and I’ll always look at my watch to try to make my next PR in a race. But I’m done keeping score in the rest of my life. I’m just going to stick to what Jesus said in Matthew: “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” 

The Parent Coach

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This post is courtesy of my good friend and former college teammate, Dr. Jason Pittser. Pitt and I have been on a path of mindfulness together for the last two years and I think it has made us both better men, fathers, and husbands. His thoughts about what is really important when we coach our kids were so impactful, I wanted to share them here. For any man who has ever coached or ever will coach his kids, pay attention!

The Parent Coach

I love sports.  Athletics have always played a large role in my life.  I believe there are many beneficial aspects to participation in sports, and I’ve been fortunate to experience several of them.  These days, my athletic participation consists of a few weekly workouts, and also playing with my two sons (ages 6 and 3) as they develop a love for sports. I still enjoy competition and helping my sons become better athletes.

This past winter, I was the head coach of my oldest son’s kindergarten basketball team.  Among the many challenges of coaching 5 and 6-year-olds was the issue of finding a balance between being a loving parent and demanding coach.  I’m certain that this is a difficult balance to find for a parent of any child at any age.  I recall my father saying that he had been a player, a coach and a sports parent, and that by far the most difficult thing to be was the parent.

My son Jace, although not a “basketball prodigy,” has shown potential and seems to have an excellent understanding of the game.  As a result of him being one of the better players on our team, I had expectations of how he should perform.  All season long, he had a bad habit of failing to come to a stop with his feet set before shooting the basketball.  In one particular practice, I decided to emphasize the importance of coming to a balanced jump stop before shooting or passing. We did drill after drill to get the point across.  At our next game, Jace’s first shot attempt was a running one-handed fling without a jump stop.  I corrected him on the court and emphasized the importance of doing it the correct way (he made the shot, which probably discredited my coaching to some extent).  Just before halftime of the same game, he did the same running shot without a jump stop.  On our way to the locker room, I pulled Jace aside and asked sternly, “Are you going to keep doing things your way, or are you going to listen to your coaches and do it the right way?”  He looked up at me, apologized, and then said, “Daddy, can I sit on your lap in the locker room at halftime?”  I stood there in a moment of clarity provided by a 6-year-old whose biggest concern was being able to sit on his daddy’s lap and feel loved.

I’ve heard many comments over the years from people who have coached their sons in sports.  Opinions and methods vary, but most dads mention how they are always cautious to not show any favoritism toward their child.  I can definitely see the wisdom in that.  I’ve even heard some say that their goal is for the other boys on the team to be glad they aren’t sons of the coach.  I fail to see the wisdom in that and worry about the message that sends to a son.  What I have tried to do is stay mindful of the fact that I am his father, and he needs to know that he is loved unconditionally at all times…whether I am coaching him or not, whether he is performing well or not, whether he is 6 or 60.  He needs to know that he can sit on my lap, literally or figuratively, anytime he wants to.  As long as I live, I need to be present enough to see him for what he is (not what I think he should be) and parent without concern of how it might look to anyone else.  Nothing takes precedence over the fact that I am his father, certainly not a sport.

I get the feeling that finding a balance between being a loving parent and results-focused coach/parent will be a lifelong search.  And I’m not sure that the two are mutually exclusive.  I’m fairly certain that they aren’t for our Heavenly Father.  He provides us with a blueprint for a blessed life, yet still allows for consequences when we fail to follow it; however, His grace trumps everything, and He is always available for us to sit on His lap and be loved.  So, I hope to model that same relationship to my son at all times, even as his coach.  If that means that Jace won’t be as good of a basketball player as he could be, then I guess the NBA will have to find a way to exist without him.

An Example of Busyness

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It is generally accepted that kids pretty much do what their parents model. This is the reason so many alcoholics had an addict for a parent, why people from broken homes are more likely to divorce, and why very generous, giving people often had parents who modeled philanthropy. That is why it scares me when I see parents modeling an example of busyness for their children.

I have so many friends who answer the question “what’s going on” with “BUSY!” What they usually mean is that their weekdays are filled with the demands of work, coming home to run kids to practices, slamming down some food real quick, running to a church committee meeting, sitting back down at their computer for another 4 hour shift of work, and falling asleep in their chair. Then, of course, they have to follow up that relaxing week by filling their weekend with travel sports, neighborhood events, more church meetings and socials, working on plans for their side business, and more work. I know this to be true because I’ve done it myself.

It is scientific fact that multi-tasking is not physically possible (http://www.livescience.com/37420-multitasking-brain-psychology.html). If you don’t have time to read the whole article, I’ll just pull out the quote that is most relevant here:

“Once you start to make things more complicated, things get messier, and as a result, there’s going to be interference with one or more of the tasks,” Meyer said. “Either you’re going to have to slow down on one of the tasks, or you’re going to start making mistakes.”

This is not only true for driving and talking on the phone. It is also true in our lives. Every time we add another responsibility, club, committee, work assignment, or kid’s activity to our lives it carves out a little bit from our personal and spiritual health, our marriage, our family, and our job. These things are already difficult, but when we take these little bits of time away from them, ‘either you’re going to have to slow down on one of the tasks, or you’re going to start making mistakes.’

What can we do about this? There is a lot of cultural pressure in this area, I know. We can SAY NO and be an example of balance and healthy state of mind for our kids. Yesterday, I was asked to become the Chair of my local chapter of the Charlotte Chamber of Commerce. This would have been a huge honor, and I was flattered. I have served on the board of the local chapter for 2 years and love the work we do. But I had to SAY NO. I had to say NO because it would have meant at least a couple of more meetings a month into my work week, juggling my already hectic work and travel schedule to make meetings a top priority, and responsibilities to lead a team that would have required additional attention in the evenings and on weekends.

I had to say NO because I’ve been down this road before and I’ve seen the consequences. I’ve seen what happens when I try to start a small business, teach a college class, serve on multiple committees at church, and volunteer for everything my local service organization throws at me. I did that for awhile and I started making mistakes. I started ignoring my marriage, over-extending the financial capabilities of my small business, not focusing on important things at work, and being absent from my kids’ lives. It didn’t take long for those mistakes to catch up to me.

So, I’ve protected my Saturday (see above). I’ve protected it so that I can model quietness, stillness, and aloneness to my kids. We’ll sit around and read, or play outside. Maybe we’ll go to the farmer’s market or on a bike ride. I’ll go for a run completely alone with no phone, no kids, no distractions and reflect on the week and give thanks for the peace. I’m certain my kids won’t miss any opportunities to earn a Division 1 scholarship because we say NO to busyness this weekend, and I hope they’ll grow up to be mindful and focused adults because they have seen me become a better model for them in those important disciplines.

Life, the Liberty Bell, and the Pursuit of Happiness

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Last week was a good week. It all started with a Monday morning run and I knew it was going to be a good week.

The week started with LIFE, just regular old life, but we lived it. Between running the kids around, cleaning the house, work, and errands, our family made time to eat dinner together, play outside, and read books before bed. It was just life, but it was awfully satisfying.

On Thursday and Friday I traveled to Philadelphia for work. In Philly I did what I do best – new business development conversations to help drive business for our company and ongoing client relations with an existing client. Around work, I squeezed in a morning run in the historic district of the city, and stopped to snap the above picture of the LIBERTY BELL. It was pretty cool to run on cobblestone streets where Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Paul Revere once walked to the pub.

The weekend held the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. Eight years ago I left the college basketball coaching world out of frustration with the ‘business’ the game had become and in search of more stability for my family. I still get frustrated with the business of the game, but in the last eight years I have realized that coaching the game of basketball is still a passion of mine. Over the weekend, I coached a boy’s high school AAU team in a tournament and was able to feed that passion. We won some and lost some, and we were able to teach lessons in both that made them better players, a better team, and hopefully better men.

That all would have made for a good week, but what really made it great was the ending…when I arrived home Sunday afternoon, my wife and kids greeted me with hugs and kisses and we set out on a family bike ride. We enjoyed the warmth and the breeze on our leisurely ride and on the way home made a rare all family grocery stop for dinner supplies. I grilled burgers and we sat on the back porch and ate together to end a pretty great day.

I thank God that I am able to recognize and realize the blessing HE provides in so many ways – in life, in work, in family, in fun, and in hobbies. I truly believe that we all have the opportunity to be thankful in each small area of our life if we choose to make the moment we are in a meaningful moment. Today started with a Monday morning run too, so here’s to another great week.

Fear and Courage

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Fear: An emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous.

Courage: The ability to act in the face of fear.

A little over a year ago, my friend Brad and I decided to go mountain bike riding in Moab, Utah. For those of you unfamiliar with mountain bike culture, Moab is to mountain biking what Nashville is to country music. Neither Brad nor I are exactly mountain biking experts and when you put two 6 foot, 3 inch guys over the handlebars of a piece of aluminum screaming down a rocky trail we’ve never been on, fear will creep in to the picture. The photo above was taken AFTER we faced those fears and came out on the other side at the entrance of Arches National Park, unscathed and courageous.

I tell this story to illustrate a lesson that I’ve been visiting quite a bit lately – fear is not something to ignore, it is something to embrace. It has been amazing to me that as I have improved my level of self-awareness, I have become acutely aware of how much fear I have in my life…fear of failure when I go into a big business pitch, fear of a lack of approval from my boss for my job performance, fear that I am making parenting mistakes, fear that I’m not meeting all of my wife’s emotional needs, fear of being accepted by new friends for being who I am, fear of disappointing my true, long time friends because I’m not available enough for them, and the list goes on and on. For a while I was so ashamed of these fears thinking I was weak and lacked self confidence. 

The turning point for me was a realization that the fact that I can recognize these fears creeping in to my thoughts, gives me an amazing power. I now can recognize the fears for what they are – simple emotions, not good or bad, just feelings. I have now become the most courageous person I know because I recognize the fear is there and I ACT. I do not allow the thoughts of fear to linger for more than a moment, I attack them with a rigor that allows me to confidently sit across from a client and stay completely in the moment with them, I work every day in a way that I know will produce my best, I parent with love and grace and trust that it is enough, I do things that I know will make my wife feel good when I see them to be done, I talk to new friends in honesty and straightforwardness and let them decide where the relationship goes, and I try to touch my dearest friends in multiple ways through the power of technology on a regular basis.

My life isn’t always screaming down the side of a single track mountain bike trail, but my fears are real. I’m courageous because just like during that trail ride, I hold on tight, pay close attention, and only go as fast as is prudent.

Why I Red Eye

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The “Red Eye” flight is brutal. For the unaware, a red eye flight is one that leaves the West Coast late at night and arrives the next morning on the East Coast (for example, last night I left Portland, OR at 10:15p and arrived in Charlotte, NC at 6:05a). It isn’t any fun, not one is happy to be on it, it is not easy to sleep in a plane for anyone (let alone a 6’4″ man), and you end up at your destination bleary-eyed and groggy.

So why do I red eye? I red eye because of the picture above. By taking the red eye last night, I walked through my front door in time to walk my son to the bus stop and see him off to school. We had a conversation about a news story he saw about the forest fire ash in Arizona leading to glacial melt in the Arctic, and I kissed my wife and daughter before they went to work and day care. I took a short nap and got back to the day’s work. It was TOTALLY worth it!

This is the second time in my life I’ve traveled a lot for work and I feel like I’m doing it better this time. When I make travel arrangements, I try to always take into consideration what is going to put the least stress on the family and still allow me to meet my business obligations. I try not to have too many back to back weeks of travel. And when I am home, I do everything I can to be present, available, and flexible with my schedule so that I can give more of my time to my family. On the road, I try to get good rest, get in a morning run, and not eat junk every single meal.

It still isn’t perfect. Business travel is a tough part of life for a lot of people today.  I have learned a lot in my life through travel and most recently, I’ve started to learn to treat business travel like any other commute and do the best to get where I’m going safely and on time for the important things in life like walking to the bus stop.

The Devil is in the Details

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The Devil is in the Details

This common phrase likely originated in the mid-19th century. It is debated whether it was an art critic or an architect who coined the saying, but either way, today we commonly understand it to mean that it is the small things, the details, that make a task difficult or challenging.

Last night, as I was making dinner, I opened this bottle of wine and there on the cork (seen in pic) was that saying: “The Devil’s in the Details.” I’m almost certain the makers of Handsome Devil Malbec had in their minds to communicate that their attention to detail in the winemaking process is what turned out this fantastic wine (and it was a nice wine). However, it got me thinking about details a bit differently…

In my life, it really is the small things that make life both difficult AND amazing. My daughter walking in to my office to give me a kiss before she leaves for school in the morning, my wife telling me thank you for loading the dishwasher (which I should do regardless), and my son telling me “I love you too” when I tuck him in at night are all relatively insignificant things that really make life amazing. Contrarily, I also let some of the most mundane things make life difficult. People driving slow when I’m in a hurry, someone being a few minutes late for a meeting that has been scheduled for weeks, and forgetting something at home that I intended to bring on vacation are all really small things that sometimes drive me crazy. 

But here is the amazing thing about enhancing your self-awareness – you STOP seeing the Devil in the details and you START only seeing God in the details. The quote was actually bastardized and has been modernized by a 20th and 21st century society that has chosen to focus on failures and difficulties that arise from small things rather than celebrate the beauty that can be achieved by attention to detail. Gustave Flaubert, the writer of Madame Bovary, coined the phrase “the good God is in the details.” Flaubert was noted for being a perfectionist and he felt strongly that only attention to small things allowed you to truly find God. Improving my self-awareness has helped me realize that this is true. When you start to become aware of your own thoughts, you suddenly have the ability to ignore the ‘detail’ thoughts that focus on negativity and enhance the ‘detail’ thoughts that bring joy to your life. The more you bring the joy-filled details out and focus on those, the more at peace you feel and it is in that peace where you often find God. 

So yes, The Devil is in the Details, but more importantly God is in the details. No amount of ‘self-improvement’ will help you achieve peace and joy because you will only focus on fixing the negative details in your life and you’ll always be looking for the devil. Enhancing your self-awareness gives you the ability to choose whether you are looking for the devil or God in those small, insignificant things that fill our daily lives. When you choose to look for God in the details it is really hard to see the devil.

Walk with the Wise

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“He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.”
                                                                                     – Proverbs 13:20

This past weekend we spent a fun-filled weekend with some of our dearest friends camping on the beach. Both families’ kids were remarkably well behaved and seemed to have a good time playing together, we did some solid outdoor cooking, and braved a little rain and some cold nights as the raccoons scavenged our campsites for scraps.

Amid all of the fun, I was reminded of the importance of good friendships to any marriage. The four of us have been laughing, loving, cooking, crying, drinking, debating, teasing, and talking for 14 years together. Our families have grown and lives have become busy; our marriages have had rough patches and we’ve helped each other through those; our values haven’t changed, but our priorities have. So this morning, when I read the Proverb above, it really hit me – my life is being enriched, and I am growing wiser by “walking” through life with wise friends. 

This past weekend it was the Richardsons, but there are many other wise people that I walk with and who walk with Jessi and I as a couple. I am thankful for each and every one of them and the wisdom they have added to my life. Sometimes it is just the right word at just the right time, other times it is just a hug and saying ‘I love you.’ The wisdom of friends comes in many ways and I hope that I can continue to walk with the wise. As for the foolish…there just isn’t time for fools in my life, so I’m sticking with the wise. They’re a lot more fun anyway!

The Energy Bus

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This blog is mostly about my personal experiences, thoughts, and perceptions, but I recently read The Energy Bus by Jon Gordon and was so inspired by it that I feel compelled to share some of the wise words I gleaned from it with others. I strongly encourage this quick read.

Quotes and Thoughts from The Energy Bus

“The goal in life is to live young, have fun, and arrive at your final destination – as late as possible – with a smile on your face.”

“Positive teams produce positive results, and the essential ingredient is positive energy.”

“It’s the simplest lessons in life that are often the most profound and meaningful.”

“…trust, faith, enthusiasm, purpose, joy, and happiness” are the things that make up positive energy

“Your positive energy and vision must be greater than anyone’s and everyone’s negativity. Your certainty must be greater than everyone’s doubt.”

“Trust that great things are happening.”

“What would you rather be, corny and happy or buttoned up and miserable?”

The gift you bring to the world is “your presence of feeling good and being happy.”

“The heart’s electromagnetic field is 5,000 times more powerful than the brain.”
– heartmath.org

“If you are open to the signs (of life) and look for them, they will always tell you where your bus needs to go and what you need for your ride”

“When you bring out the best in others, you can’t help bringing out the best in yourself.”

“Trust is the high octane fuel that will take your bus wherever it needs to go.”

“Do not focus on the future because the future brings only what the present gives it.”

10 Rules for the Ride of Your Life
1. You’re the driver of your bus.
2. Desire, Vision, and focus move your bus in the right direction.
3. Fuel your ride with positive energy.
4. Invite people in your bus and share your vision for the road ahead.
5. Don’t Waste your energy on those who don’t get on the bus.
6. Post a sign that says NO ENERGY VAMPIRES ALLOWED on your bus.
7. Enthusiasm attracts more passengers and energizes them during the ride.
8. Love your passengers.
9. Drive with purpose.
10. Have fun and enjoy the ride

5 Ways to Love your Passengers
1. Make time for them
2. Listen to them
3. Recognize them
4. Serve them
5. Bring out the best in them

You can buy it here: 
http://www.amazon.com/Energy-Bus-Rules-Fuel-Positive-ebook/dp/B0086I25S8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395147092&sr=8-1&keywords=the+energy+bus

 

Alone and Together

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I mostly run alone for a lot of reasons – some time to be quiet and reflect, the ability to be distraction free and observe the world around me, the chance to run as fast or slow as I want depending on how I feel that day, and the focus it creates for me on being my best regardless of what is going on around me.

Partially because I run alone, I also enjoy races. I don’t run races every month, let alone every weekend, but I try to make them a regular part of my running life. Being Together with other runners reminds me that I’m not insane – that others value testing their bodies this way. I enjoy running in races because the conversation and camaraderie with other runners on the course is fun and engaging; it inspires me to keep going sometimes or speed up sometimes. Running in a race is so different than my daily running alone, that I get a lot of enjoyment from it and make it a priority.

Life is the same way. I have to do a lot of things alone and I choose to spend other time alone. A lot of my work, whether it be from my home office or on the road traveling to be with a client, involves being alone. I used to dread this, felt like I always needed people around me. Now, I enjoy it, even savor it, because I recognize the value of being alone. Being alone and quiet in life has become something I prioritize and work to make a part of my life, for much the same reason that I run alone. 

Most importantly, being alone in my daily life creates a greater appreciation for times I get to be together with my family and friends. The picture above is from our family visit to the US National Whitewater Center’s Green River Revival for St. Patrick’s Day and it was great to be completely focused on that time together, enjoy the conversations with my kids, and share in some pure fun. I’ve had some great opportunities recently to see friends that I don’t see very often and those times together have made me more appreciative and thoughtful of them when I’m alone.

I look forward to my alone time this week and I’m also looking forward to some upcoming “Together Times” with my family and friends. BOTH are valuable parts of a healthy life and must be protected and prioritized.