mindfulness

Airport Mindfulness

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How many airports have you been in like this? Me neither.

Most of the airports that I spend my considerable time in look a lot more like this…

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which got me thinking today about mindfulness at the airport, probably the LEAST mindful place on earth. 

Mindfulness is defined as:

mind·ful·ness
ˈmīndfəlnəs/ – a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
 
I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it can sometimes be to focus one’s awareness on the present moment while accepting your feelings at the airport. Nearly every week I see dozens, if not hundreds, of people completely lose their minds over things at the airport that they not only have no control over, but that really have no bearing or impact on the present moment. I know how it feels, I used to be one of those people flying off the handle at airline employees because I was running late and the plane was running on time or staring down a flight attendant who refused to do something about the screaming kid in 10B right behind me!
 
No more. Part of the growth of my own mindfulness has been most tested and best utilized in the airport. What I have CHOSEN to do (and I emphasize the choice part because it is just that), is take the approach that you see on my daughter’s face in the top picture – “go with the flow, wherever that might take me.” I now recognize when my body starts to tense up because there is a non-stop talking 5 year old sitting next to me (as there was this morning on CLT-Boston) and I intentionally RELAX and remind myself that my own 5 year old daughter would be chattering on non-stop out of excitement and imagine how I would want someone treating her in the same situation. Instead of getting off the plane this morning angry, anxious, and annoyed I followed my young seatmate off the plane with a smile on my face thinking about my Josie and how much pure joy she has in her life.
 
I’ll likely never fix this problem – 824,000,000 people boarded planes in the United States last year! I will however, continue to exercise my own mindfulness in airports. At the very least I figure if I can do it in the midst of 823,999,999 other crazy nut jobs I should be able find a way to be mindful under my own roof with the 3 nut jobs that I share a house with every day!!! Maybe we should pray for them, not me?!?!
 

The Parent Coach

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This post is courtesy of my good friend and former college teammate, Dr. Jason Pittser. Pitt and I have been on a path of mindfulness together for the last two years and I think it has made us both better men, fathers, and husbands. His thoughts about what is really important when we coach our kids were so impactful, I wanted to share them here. For any man who has ever coached or ever will coach his kids, pay attention!

The Parent Coach

I love sports.  Athletics have always played a large role in my life.  I believe there are many beneficial aspects to participation in sports, and I’ve been fortunate to experience several of them.  These days, my athletic participation consists of a few weekly workouts, and also playing with my two sons (ages 6 and 3) as they develop a love for sports. I still enjoy competition and helping my sons become better athletes.

This past winter, I was the head coach of my oldest son’s kindergarten basketball team.  Among the many challenges of coaching 5 and 6-year-olds was the issue of finding a balance between being a loving parent and demanding coach.  I’m certain that this is a difficult balance to find for a parent of any child at any age.  I recall my father saying that he had been a player, a coach and a sports parent, and that by far the most difficult thing to be was the parent.

My son Jace, although not a “basketball prodigy,” has shown potential and seems to have an excellent understanding of the game.  As a result of him being one of the better players on our team, I had expectations of how he should perform.  All season long, he had a bad habit of failing to come to a stop with his feet set before shooting the basketball.  In one particular practice, I decided to emphasize the importance of coming to a balanced jump stop before shooting or passing. We did drill after drill to get the point across.  At our next game, Jace’s first shot attempt was a running one-handed fling without a jump stop.  I corrected him on the court and emphasized the importance of doing it the correct way (he made the shot, which probably discredited my coaching to some extent).  Just before halftime of the same game, he did the same running shot without a jump stop.  On our way to the locker room, I pulled Jace aside and asked sternly, “Are you going to keep doing things your way, or are you going to listen to your coaches and do it the right way?”  He looked up at me, apologized, and then said, “Daddy, can I sit on your lap in the locker room at halftime?”  I stood there in a moment of clarity provided by a 6-year-old whose biggest concern was being able to sit on his daddy’s lap and feel loved.

I’ve heard many comments over the years from people who have coached their sons in sports.  Opinions and methods vary, but most dads mention how they are always cautious to not show any favoritism toward their child.  I can definitely see the wisdom in that.  I’ve even heard some say that their goal is for the other boys on the team to be glad they aren’t sons of the coach.  I fail to see the wisdom in that and worry about the message that sends to a son.  What I have tried to do is stay mindful of the fact that I am his father, and he needs to know that he is loved unconditionally at all times…whether I am coaching him or not, whether he is performing well or not, whether he is 6 or 60.  He needs to know that he can sit on my lap, literally or figuratively, anytime he wants to.  As long as I live, I need to be present enough to see him for what he is (not what I think he should be) and parent without concern of how it might look to anyone else.  Nothing takes precedence over the fact that I am his father, certainly not a sport.

I get the feeling that finding a balance between being a loving parent and results-focused coach/parent will be a lifelong search.  And I’m not sure that the two are mutually exclusive.  I’m fairly certain that they aren’t for our Heavenly Father.  He provides us with a blueprint for a blessed life, yet still allows for consequences when we fail to follow it; however, His grace trumps everything, and He is always available for us to sit on His lap and be loved.  So, I hope to model that same relationship to my son at all times, even as his coach.  If that means that Jace won’t be as good of a basketball player as he could be, then I guess the NBA will have to find a way to exist without him.

An Example of Busyness

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It is generally accepted that kids pretty much do what their parents model. This is the reason so many alcoholics had an addict for a parent, why people from broken homes are more likely to divorce, and why very generous, giving people often had parents who modeled philanthropy. That is why it scares me when I see parents modeling an example of busyness for their children.

I have so many friends who answer the question “what’s going on” with “BUSY!” What they usually mean is that their weekdays are filled with the demands of work, coming home to run kids to practices, slamming down some food real quick, running to a church committee meeting, sitting back down at their computer for another 4 hour shift of work, and falling asleep in their chair. Then, of course, they have to follow up that relaxing week by filling their weekend with travel sports, neighborhood events, more church meetings and socials, working on plans for their side business, and more work. I know this to be true because I’ve done it myself.

It is scientific fact that multi-tasking is not physically possible (http://www.livescience.com/37420-multitasking-brain-psychology.html). If you don’t have time to read the whole article, I’ll just pull out the quote that is most relevant here:

“Once you start to make things more complicated, things get messier, and as a result, there’s going to be interference with one or more of the tasks,” Meyer said. “Either you’re going to have to slow down on one of the tasks, or you’re going to start making mistakes.”

This is not only true for driving and talking on the phone. It is also true in our lives. Every time we add another responsibility, club, committee, work assignment, or kid’s activity to our lives it carves out a little bit from our personal and spiritual health, our marriage, our family, and our job. These things are already difficult, but when we take these little bits of time away from them, ‘either you’re going to have to slow down on one of the tasks, or you’re going to start making mistakes.’

What can we do about this? There is a lot of cultural pressure in this area, I know. We can SAY NO and be an example of balance and healthy state of mind for our kids. Yesterday, I was asked to become the Chair of my local chapter of the Charlotte Chamber of Commerce. This would have been a huge honor, and I was flattered. I have served on the board of the local chapter for 2 years and love the work we do. But I had to SAY NO. I had to say NO because it would have meant at least a couple of more meetings a month into my work week, juggling my already hectic work and travel schedule to make meetings a top priority, and responsibilities to lead a team that would have required additional attention in the evenings and on weekends.

I had to say NO because I’ve been down this road before and I’ve seen the consequences. I’ve seen what happens when I try to start a small business, teach a college class, serve on multiple committees at church, and volunteer for everything my local service organization throws at me. I did that for awhile and I started making mistakes. I started ignoring my marriage, over-extending the financial capabilities of my small business, not focusing on important things at work, and being absent from my kids’ lives. It didn’t take long for those mistakes to catch up to me.

So, I’ve protected my Saturday (see above). I’ve protected it so that I can model quietness, stillness, and aloneness to my kids. We’ll sit around and read, or play outside. Maybe we’ll go to the farmer’s market or on a bike ride. I’ll go for a run completely alone with no phone, no kids, no distractions and reflect on the week and give thanks for the peace. I’m certain my kids won’t miss any opportunities to earn a Division 1 scholarship because we say NO to busyness this weekend, and I hope they’ll grow up to be mindful and focused adults because they have seen me become a better model for them in those important disciplines.

Weeks are Slow, Years are Fast

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Yesterday my little girl turned 5 and then I had a 2 hour homework battle with my 8 year old son. Having both of these experiences helped me realize that time is a crazy thing because weeks seem to drag on, but years seem to fly by.

Maybe our house is completely abnormal, but most weeks feel like a never ending Civil War skirmish where one side fires a volley and wounds a few soldiers, retreats into the woods, and waits for the other side to come charging out in response so they can wound a few soldiers and also run back to the woods. I don’t know if my wife and I are Union or Confederate, but it seems like no one ever wins, there is always pain and suffering (to a minor degree), and we almost always realize that we’re fighting with family in the end.

On the other hand, when I take the time to just sit and watch my children play, or see them open birthday presents on their big day, or sip a glass of wine and catch up with my wife after they’ve gone to bed it seems like time is just a blur. Where in the world did 5 years go?

The lesson I pondered last night after my skirmish with my son as I reflected on my daughter’s quick 5 years was this…EVERY MOMENT is valuable. I have to continue to discipline myself to stay in those moments because none of us ever really know the long term value of the moment we are in now. The Battle of Gettysburg happened when and where it was fought by chance when a skirmish turned into something bigger. The generals on the field of battle those 3 days in July 150 years ago could not have imagined the importance of what they were involved in at the time.

In the same way, we cannot know the importance of our daily skirmishes, quiet moments, fun, and toil with our friends and family so we owe it to each moment to treat it as if it is the most important moment of our lives; because it is, it is the one we have NOW.

In the Groove

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Recently I had a friend tell me that “I was really in the groove of life.” That made me feel really good, and then I got to thinking…what does it mean to be “in the groove” in life and how did I get there?

For me, being in the groove means a heightened level of mindfulness (being present and self aware in every moment), genuinely caring for others more than I care for myself, and a right ordering of priorities in which I work to live and live to the fullest possible. By no means am I 100% in each of these areas (Michael Jordan still missed some shots when he was in ‘the zone’). I still yell at my kids, skip workout days when I shouldn’t, eat or drink to excess on occasion, act insensitively to my wife’s feelings, and forget to call friends back. However, I do tangibly sense an awareness when these things happen and I consciously act to repair my mistakes. The simple recognition of these mistakes and working to be more mindful makes me feel better mentally and physically, makes my family happier, and improves my overall well being. It is because of that awareness that I can recognize that I’m slipping out of the groove and I can do tangible things to get back.

So, how did I get there? The answer is pretty simple but the solution was complex. Friends got me there. Friends who told me I didn’t seem like myself and had started to let other people and their opinion of me dictate how I was acting on a day to day basis. I am so grateful to those friends for having the courage to tell me that. I decided it wasn’t going to be that way anymore, but as I said, the solution was complex and I didn’t really know what to do. Again, friends helped. On a fall morning, sitting on the deck sipping coffee looking at the serene view above, a friend asked me “have you ever thought about all of the JUNK that clutters your mind and messes you up?” I had not, but for the next 2 hours we had one of the most meaningful conversations of my life – it was all about mindfulness. 

Romans 12:2 says “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the RENEWING of your mind.” Nearly every day since that fall morning at the lake I have been renewing my mind and trying not to conform to the world. As a result, I’m in the groove of life and I’ve never felt better.

Sustenance

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One of our families’ resolutions for 2014 is to get back to a habit that we wandered away from – planning our weekly menus each Sunday to be more efficient and cost effective at the grocery store AND put more thoughtful, balanced meals on our table each week. So we sat down, looked at what we already had in the pantry, planned this week’s menu, let the kids have their input about what they wanted to eat, tried to create some balance, and off I went to the store. My wife’s job was to update the kitchen chalkboard with the week’s menu so we keep it top of mind throughout the week instead of taking the lazy way out and grabbing Chik-fil-a on the way home!

When I came home, she had created the above beautifully artistic way to present the week’s menu. What struck me was the power of the word she chose – sustenance. The word sustenance communicates the importance of these meals. These are not just things we’re shoving into our mouths because that is what we do every night…this food is designed to SUSTAIN us. If it is one of the key things our body is relying on to be sustained, I’d better make sure that it is HEALTHY, DELICIOUS, and APPEALING TO EAT. For me, meals and the food that is incorporated into those meals are powerful things and this simple piece of chalk art is a great reminder of how important that food, the care taken to prepare it, and the time our family spends at the table eating it are to our overall health and well being.

Think about what you eat this week and consider it an important part of your sustenance, not just what you shove in your mouth at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Mindfulness around food can be a wonderful and powerful thing in being healthier mentally and physically.